I Likes It When You Call Me Cool Papa

"I'm your mama, I'm your daddy, I'm that nigga in the alley. I'm your doctor when in need. Want some coke? Have some weed. You know me, I'm your friend, Your main boy, thick and thin. I'm your pusherman." -- "Pusher Man," Curtis Mayfield

Snipers John Muhammed and Lee Malvo don't know John Ashcroft is really their Ace Boon Coon. In truth, the United States Attorney General is the kind of who's-your-daddy lover Thomas Jefferson was to Sally Henning; the kind of this-is-going-to-hurt-me-more-than-it-does-you buddy Ward was to Beaver Cleaver; and the kind of I-have-a-dream date James Earl Ray was to Martin Luther King, Jr., all rolled into one.

He's the coolest papa they'll ever have.

Ashcroft has plenty to teach. He boasts religious beliefs beyond the pale. He touts family values and tough love. He cherishes the fatherland. He loves guns and song. And he knows death.

Lord knows, he's had a rough go. Before he became our Number One Gun, he lost a senate re-election bid to a dead man. Sad thing was, Ashcroft was the incumbent. I'll wager Gov. Mel Carnahan chuckled in his grave over that one.

Cadavers may prove troublesome for Muhammed and Malvo (a.k.a., "M & M"), too. If federal prosecutors have their way with them, the well-traveled pair will be convicted of a passel of criminal acts -- subject, of course, to jurisdictional clout and legally expediency -- and sentenced to fry. Lawmen from Washington to Louisiana are rushing to the picnic. Got a case you haven't been able to solve? Throw that log on this fire.

It's been a while since M & M graced newspaper front pages, after weeks of media saturation bombing. To summarize: the 41-year-old former Army infantryman and his 17-year-old "prot?g?" have been linked to 14 shootings in four states and Washington, D.C. Between Sept. 21 and Oct. 22, 2002, ten people were slain and four wounded. M & M have been charged with murder by Virginia and Maryland "authorities" in eight of 10 slayings, including that of Linda Franklin, an FBI analyst from Falls Church, Va.

Malvo the Younger: How about over there?
Muhammed the Elder: Excellent choice, son. Good cover. Multiple avenues of retreat. I'll position the vehicle. You check the supplies. Make sure we have adequate rations and ammunition. We don't want to arouse any suspicions with superfluous movements.
Malvo the Younger: One of the sniper's cardinal rules.
Muhammed the Elder: Very good. Is the weapon prepared?
Malvo the Younger: Cleaned and oiled, sir.
Muhammed the Elder: Outstanding. While we wait, let's review your lesson. Begin with the names of the cabinet members and a description of their duties. When appropriate, I'll supply supplemental biographical information. Attorney general.
Malvo the Younger: John Ashcroft. As attorney general, he has strong influence on presidential nominations for the federal judiciary and the Supreme Court. He sets law enforcement priorities for the Department of Justice and the enforcement of environmental, civil rights, anti-trust matters and oversees the FBI, Immigration and Naturalization Service, the Drug Enforcement Administration, the U.S. Marshals Service, federal prisons, and federal prosecutors.

Baton Rouge, where Muhammed the Elder hails from, is fertile ground for the growing good boys. Its soil is thick with traumatized spirits and unredressed grievances.

In 1699, a French expeditionary team traveling the Mississippi River came across a "red stick" separating the hunting grounds of the Bayagoulas and Oumas Indians. The 30-foot-high maypole was topped with the heads of a bear and several fish. Eventually, the trading post became a regional governmental and industrial center, serving as state capital and ranking number four on the nation's list of major ports. Coincidentally, Louisiana ranks fourth on the top ten list of documented lynchings by state.

Muhammed grew up in the city's northwest corner within a low-income neighborhood known as The Avenues. In 1977, he graduated from Scotlandville High School and joined the Louisiana National Guard the next year. Three years later, he married his high school sweetheart with whom he had a son.

Life in the Guard was spotty. In 1982, he pleaded guilty to disobeying orders by failing to appear for duty and was fined $100. On another occasion, he hit a noncommissioned officer, leading to a conviction and a suspended sentence of seven days confinement. He lost a stripe and was demoted from sergeant.

In 1985, he converted to Islam, separated from his wife and son, and joined the Army. He trained as a metal worker, water-transport specialist and combat engineer. He served near Tacoma at Fort Lewis, in Germany and at Ford Ord, Calif. and the Gulf War. Although not trained as a sniper, he received his marksmanship badge with an expert rating, the highest of three categories, in the use of the M-16.

In 1988, while stationed at Fort Lewis, he married Mildred Green. They had a son and two daughters. He left the Army in 1994 and served a year in the Oregon National Guard. In March 1995, he started a home business, Express Car/Truck Mechanic Service Inc., an automotive repair operation. Customers described him as a good mechanic but an erratic businessman.

He also opened a martial arts school in Tacoma. His partner, Felix Strozier, said the business went well for a while, but that there was a falling out over money that Mr. Muhammad borrowed from the school and did not pay back. "He was manipulative and would do anything to get his way," Strozier said.

Yet Muhammad seemed a solid family man.

"You know, I'm sitting here watching all this stuff about him, and, really, during that time he was just the hardest working guy I ever met," said Leo Dudley, a former Marine. "He would work long hours. If I needed some help on something, if he had the time, he would always come and give me a quick hand. So as a neighbor, he was a really good neighbor." During the five years that they were neighbors in Tacoma, Dudley never saw Muhammad lose his cool.

Meanwhile, the Elder was battling with his first wife over the custody of their son. At the age of 12, the boy went to Muhammed for the summer, converted to Islam and refused to return home until his mother obtained a court order.

Muhammad attended a Seattle mosque but wasn't evangelical. His enthusiasm seemed limited to his attendance at the Million Man March in 1995, where he helped provide security for Nation of Islam leader and march organizer Louis Farrakhan. "When he came back, he told me that it was a great experience and he really enjoyed the camaraderie and the feeling and all that stuff," a friend noted.

His second marriage also began to unravel over what Mildred described as his abusive behavior toward their three children. In Sept. 1999, they separated. She was granted a permanent restraining order barring him from her home, workplace and the children's school or day care facility. In May 2000, she sought to further limit his contact, alleging "physical, sexual or a pattern of emotional abuse of a child."

Even after the restraining order was issued, Mildred said, she was afraid of him. "He was demolitions expert in military," she wrote in a court document. "He is behaving very irrational. Whenever he does talk with me he always says that is going to destroy my life and I hang up the phone."

In Jan. 2001, Mildred filed a court document seeking to waive the requirements that she notify her husband of their children's whereabouts. In a hand-written notation, she claimed Muhammad had abducted the children more than nine months earlier. "At the present time, my ex-husband, John, still has the children," Mildred wrote. "I've been awarded custody of the children. Their whereabouts are still unknown."

By May 2001, Mildred and the children had apparently moved to the Prince George's County (MD), where she worked as a temporary employee at the Department of Justice.


Muhammed the Elder: When we get out of here, I want you to check the oil and water levels. We've been running this hooptie pretty hard since we picked it up.
Malvo the Younger: It's old but cool. I like it.
Muhammed the Elder: I always have liked Chevies. Made in the USA certainly helped out at those three checkpoints.
Malvo the Younger: I can't believe we got such a good price. $250 isn't very much.
Muhammed the Elder: Don't forget the registration fee. That was another fifty-six bucks. And we've spent at least three times as much on gas since we left Camden.
Malvo the Younger: It was nice of Mr. Osbourne to help us out.
Muhammed the Elder: Little Jamaican punk will do anything for a joint. He wouldn't need drugs if he believed in Allah.
Malvo the Younger (hesitates): He seemed nice.
Muhammed the Elder. He'll sell us down the river the first chance he gets.

Ashcroft's father was a minister, as was his grandfather, in the Assemblies of God, the world's largest Pentecostal church. The Assemblies preach tolerance but consider the Bible literal truth. As such, its members see themselves in opposition to mainstream culture. Ashcroft reportedly holds daily Bible study and prayer meetings in his office.

Do you remember Robert De Niro in the remake of "Cape Fear"? His character, Max Cady, was the son of snake-handling Pentecostals. After his release from prison, the convicted rapist and murderer tracks down his lawyer, Nick Nolte, for a little come to Jesus. Sporting a sweet Cross tatoo on his back, he drowns at the climax, slipping underwater speaking in tongues.

Ashcroft was raised in Springfield, Missouri, in the Ozarks. The city hosts 156,000 residents and is the world headquarters of the Assemblies, as well as of the Baptist Bible Fellowship, the denomination of the Reverend Jerry Falwell (an Ashcroft admirer).

Our Number One Gun captained his high school debate and football teams. He attended Yale University and University of Chicago Law School, met and married a lawschool classmate. After graduation, he returned to Springfield, where he bought the proverbial farm, taught law classes at Southwest Missouri State University and opened a legal practice.

Malvo the Younger: How do you know all this shit?
Muhammed the Elder: What did I tell you about cursing?
Malvo the Younger: It's a lazy man's excuse for not knowing the right word.
Muhammed the Elder: The correct word.
Malvo the Younger: The "correct" word. Where did you get your information from?
Muhammed the Elder: I read his book.
Malvo the Younger: His book?
Muhammed the Elder: It's called, "Lessons From a Father to His Son" but was re-issued as "On My Honor." In it, he describes himself as an upholder of American values. People say he changed some things because he was considering running for president. He doesn't mention that he received several student deferments from the Springfield draft board so he wouldn't have to go to Vietnam. The Boston Globe reported when he graduated from law school in '67, he sought an occupational deferment for people holding "critical" civilian jobs. Of 35 million men registered with the Selective Service that year, 264,000 received occupational deferments.
He taught business law to SMSU undergrads. He landed the gig through a family connection. His draft board had already earmarked him for induction, and he'd passed his pre-induction physical, but the board reversed itself and granted the deferment.
Malvo the Younger: He's a draft dodger.
Muhammed the Elder: Technically, no. He's like President Bush,Vice President Cheney and other Republicans who mouthed family teats while others worked the fields.
Malvo the Younger: Like us.
Muhammed the Elder: That's correct.
Malvo the Younger: Didn't you fight in the war, dad?
Muhammed the Elder: Served as a combat engineer in the Gulf. Got the Southwest Asia Service Medal, the Kuwait Liberation Medal and the Saudi Arabia Liberation Medal.
Malvo the Younger: Outstanding.
Muhammed the Elder: Can you name the first African-American recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor?
Malvo the Younger: No, sir.
Muhammed the Elder: William Carney, a 23-year-old enlistee in the 54th Massachusetts Infantry, Company C. The 54th was celebrated in the movie, "Glory." Carney, supposedly wounded in three places, saw the flagbearer fall. Still, he got up, ran through a hail of bullets and delivered the flag to his regiment. They keep it in Boston somewhere.
Malvo the Younger: Awesome.
Muhammed the Elder: Darn straight.