Tom Delay: King of the Zombies

When archeologists pick through the rubble of American Empire, they will no doubt find a score of silver coins embossed with the face of Tom Delay and inscribed "King of the Zombies." Indeed, the dishonorable Representative from the failed State of Texas will assuredly become an object of great intellectual curiosity as future scholars attempt to unravel his role in the rise and fall of the Cult of the Undead.

If fortune smiles upon them, these gravediggers will stumble upon the tomb of Terri Schiavo, who after enduring 15 years in a coma, was raised up by the High Priest of Extermination to become mute oracle to legions of unborn babies, brain-dead soldiers, infirm elderly and malnourished poor. In the manner of ancient Egypt, her crooked body will be encased in Knoxian gold, her organs preserved in sacramental jars.

Barring the discovery of a Rosetta-like stone, scavengers will be unable to decipher the religious texts accompanying the sarcophagus. Unread will be the biography of the Florida woman suffered extensive brain damage when her heart stopped briefly, afterward remaining in a "persistent vegetative state." Unappreciated will be the contention about removing a feeding tube that kept her alive, the estrangement between her husband and her parents, and subsequent court battles.

Similarly unintelligible will be the hieroglyphics of 21st-century American politics. Never read will be the accounts of Republican lawmakers who seized her inert body for their own ends. Senatorial compliance -- and Democratic cowardice -- will remain a mystery, lost forever to the ages. Invisible will be the divine inspirations of the born-again President who defended the wife who lived "at the mercy of others."

Lost among the canon will be sanitized history of House majority leader Delay, thereafter crowned "King of the Zombies," and his struggle to safeguard the sanctity of half-life. Hymnals recounting battles on behalf of vampiric financial giants, planet-killing oil companies and junkie defense contractors will go unsung. His stalwart guardianship of the death penalty will remain uncelebrated.

Unexplained will be the saga of a legislative cabal held in the dark hours of Easter Sunday -- while God-fearing folk celebrated the Resurrection -- during which a handful of bribed mouthpieces postured for television cameras and uttered platitudes about "heart-wrenching" decisions and "the rule of law." Never understood will be the rationale of these free market Cardinals to once again shackle the will of The People.

Sadly, the 20 silver coins will be unsullied by grasping hands of citizens transmogrified into consumers. There will be no record of their descent into madness, their march toward oblivion. There will only be the face of Tom Delay; bug-killer cum statesman cum warrior priest.

Long live the King.

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